Emotional Dysregulation, Overstimulation, and Other Spooky Things

October is often the kickoff to the holiday season, which means it is also the kickoff to "dysregulation season." Let's talk about how to make your traditions and celebrations a better fit.

Hello Gifted Guides! 

We’re so glad you’re here! 

How are you doing?  

If you’re in the United States, you may be acutely aware that “spooky season” is upon us—and not just because of Halloween decorations and candy sales. 

October is the start of what we affectionately (and sometimes not so affectionately) refer to as “dysregulation season.” 

October, in the United States, is often the unofficial start of the holiday season. Pumpkin spice lattes are on menus again. Stores are adorned with seasonal decorations. Your neighbors might have more lawn decorations or colorful light decorations. And your child’s school calendar might start to have more special events--dress up days, class parties, half days, etc. 

All of this celebration and special occasion inevitably results in changes in routines and rhythms, which can spark dysregulation in your gifted or twice-exceptional (2e) learners. Add to that the fact that many of these celebrations or special occasions include eating different types of food, wearing different clothes, hearing louder noises, and/or being in more crowded rooms, and these special moments can quickly become overwhelming or overstimulating. 

So, with all of this in mind, let’s dive in and start talking about how to make costumes, school events, candy for days, and holiday traditions in general less spooky this October. 

New schedule. Who’s this? 

Taking a look at your calendar between now and the end of the year, you can probably spot a few places where your “normal routine” will be disrupted. You can also probably anticipate a few more disruptions that you don’t have full details for and haven’t put on your calendar.  

Now, perhaps it seems unfair to use the word “disruption” to describe what are probably events and celebrations you’re looking forward to, with people you care about and want to see.  

We do not mean “disruption” as a negative. However, we do feel the need to name it—in the spirit of “naming it to tame it.”  

If you head into a week of school where there is a different schedule for your family, but act as if it’s a typical week with a typical schedule, you’ll likely run into some big feelings and some emotional difficulties. 

Many gifted and 2e learners benefit from routines (even if they fight against the transitions), because there is a predictability and certainty that comes with routine. If suddenly this week, school isn’t going to work like it normally does, it’s important to preview that and talk about what to expect. 

Because gifted and 2e students tend to process more information through the emotional center of their brain, you might observe them having more intense reactions to what may seem to you to be minor changes to the schedule. 

For example, say that after school, there is Halloween party at the school. Students can show off their costumes, collect candy, go through a “haunted house” that’s been set up in the gym or drama room, and there’s even a place where they can put their hands in covered bowls to feel “brains” (aka cold spaghetti).  

If school is dismissed at 3pm, maybe this party runs from dismissal until 4:30 pm or 5 pm. Maybe you have a 30-minute drive home. You’re still home before 6 pm. This isn’t entirely unusual for your family, because your kids often have after-school activities. So, it is not uncommon for your family to be settling into a dinner routine around 6:30 pm, or even 7 pm on some nights. Your kids are used to this, so they should be able to slip into the “regular” after-school activities routine. Right? 

Maybe you’re already shaking your head, knowing that your child’s mood and emotional regulation after a party and after an extracurricular are probably two different things. 

Why is that?  

If the actual timing of your schedule is roughly the same, why are the emotional reactions and regulatory needs so different? 

It’s the same reason why meeting your colleagues for a planned, monthly happy hour is different than going out for a friend’s birthday party.  

One is a planned, known event, which occurs regularly. It is built into the routine. It doesn’t necessarily have a bunch of novelty or uncertainty around it. However, a special event or party is, generally speaking, a fun and novel treat.  

People are maybe putting more effort into their dress, the food is probably a little more festive, and there is a sense of celebration that just isn’t typical of a general day-to-day routine. That's what makes the celebration special in the first place. It is time away from your regular routine to acknowledge important occasions and/or people. 

So, as you look forward to any celebrations or special traditions your family has over the next two months or so, it might be useful to talk as a family about what to expect and how you all can take care of yourselves while also celebrating.  

For example, if you know you’ll be getting home later than usual and doing your dinner and bedtime routines later than normal, maybe you try to have the next morning be as simple as possible. And maybe that means school outfits are laid out and lunches are packed the night before. 

If you know you and your kids will be enjoying a lot of sweet treats, maybe you have a more basic dinner to balance things out a bit. If you know your kids will be wired when they get home, maybe, after dinner, you have some screenless time as a family, to help everyone mellow out a bit before bed. 

It’s important to preview these adjustments and schedule changes ahead of time, so everyone can be on the same page. This won’t eliminate all arguments or frustrations, but it will give everyone a point of reference as to why these changes are happening and why normal after-dinner screentime might not be an option on a particular night, for example.  

By previewing and planning ahead as a family, you can help to reduce emotionally charged exchanges when your child is too emotionally dysregulated to see the logic or purpose of your decisions. Talking things out ahead of time, when everyone is regulated and not swept up in the fun of celebration, can help to manage overtired and overstimulated reactions later. 

I thought this would be fun, and it very much is not. What now? 

Another challenge that Gifted Guides often face is finding out that the traditions and activities they think are fun and special are not fun and special to their learner. What do you do when a tradition or activity is important to you but triggers or dysregulates your learner?  

This can be a hard experience for Gifted Guides to navigate. You want to share these special memories with this child who is important to you, but the activity is too dysregulating for them.  

In moments like this, you can take a few different routes. Depending on your learner, this might be something you can discuss together and come up with a plan for how to modify the experience. This way you can share the memories you love, and your learner has the accommodations they need. 

If accommodations aren’t going to work in the situation, you might also think about how you can enjoy the tradition on your own and create new traditions with your learner.  

Maybe you loved trick-or-treating growing up and were looking forward to dressing up with your child, but they hate the idea of wearing a costume. In that case, maybe they can help you pick out the candy you hand out to your neighbors, or maybe they can even help hand out candy with you. It may not be the exact trick-or-treating memory you were planning to create, but it is still fun family time and will create a lovely memory. 

Maybe you love baking holiday treats, and your learner simply has no interest in this. There is no budging. Their lack of interest doesn’t need to stop your tradition.  

Make the treats on your own. Blast your favorite baking music, or put on a favorite holiday movie, and enjoy your tradition and celebration. Your learner will see this and will see that you’re honoring what’s important to you. While you might not have a baking memory together, they will remember you taking time and care to do something that you enjoy and that is important to you. That’s a wonderful holiday lesson to model for your learner. 

Traditions are about time spent and company enjoyed. Don’t be afraid to tweak your plans this holiday season. Making memories together that fit your family’s needs and rhythms is going to be more meaningful and memorable than being unhappy as you try to do things the way you’ve always done them or think others expect you to do them. 

Conclusion 

Whatever your fall and holiday plans are, remember to do what works best for you and your family. Everyone’s needs are different, so like so much else we discuss here at Guiding Gifted, your celebrations and traditions will not be one-size-fits- all.  

If you have an asynchronous learner, who you’re asynchronously supporting, it is likely that your celebrations and traditions may need to be asynchronous as well. That’s ok. It’s better to have festivities that look a little different but can be enjoyed by you and your learner, than to stick to someone else’s script and end up frustrated and cranky. 

We will talk more about dysregulation season next month, but in the meantime, we hope you have a season that is only as spooky as you’d like it to be! 

Fall Testing Opportunities are OPEN! 

Fall 2024 Eligibility Assessment test dates are OPEN! Through our partnership with Northwestern University’s Center for Talent Development, we are able to offer low cost, remote testing for students in grades 3-10.  

This testing can be used to apply to the Davidson Institute’s Young Scholars program, along with the Davidson Academy, Reno and Davidson Academy Online. 

If you’re interested,  CLICK HERE to learn more and register! Space is limited and will fill up quickly! 

More Ways to Connect with Davidson... 

Thanks for reading and subscribing. If you’d like even more curated resources from the Davidson Institute,  click here. You can also sign up for our e-News Update by clicking here. 

If you’re interested in your learner joining us for the Davidson Institute’s 2025 summer programing, be sure to get your Young Scholar application in by November 1, 2024! 

If you haven’t already, please share what your experience supporting gifted learners has been like by filling out our Gifted in My Area Survey.  

Your thoughts here will help us to better support you and the families in our programs through resources and programming that actually meets your needs. 

We’ll see you next month. Stay well, Gifted Guides!